Are you ever about to say something and the moment the words are about to leave your mouth, before they’re fully out, but after you’ve put forth the effort to create them, you realize they’re the wrong words to say?
Ugh. I did this today. And my words were pointed at my best friend…my husband.
I woke up angry with him and all morning I nursed my hurt feelings. “It’s all his fault,” I thought. “If he really loved me, he would know why I’m so upset with him.” I prayed to God asking Him to make sure my husband knew I was upset and hurt and it was all his fault and could He please fix my husband?
Then those words came out of my mouth. But even worse than the words–the message those words conveyed…that in my eyes, he’s not good enough today, he’s not measuring up. My words, to him, cut into his heart. Because my words, the words coming from the woman he’s given his heart to, have more power to reach his heart than any other human being on earth.
How can I even describe how I felt when I realized what I’d done? Here I’d been, all morning, complaining in my mind about him. And here’s the kicker…do you want to know what he did wrong? He didn’t read my mind last night and say what I wanted him to say.
That’s it. He wasn’t mean, he was only loving and kind and I built up this story in my mind about how he’s the bad guy because he can’t always read my mind or guess what I need and…
Do you know what this is like? It’s so FRUSTRATING! Especially when I’ve done the same thing multiple times before. I know better.
But there is HOPE!
And I’m going to tell you why.
#1 Step to Make Amends: Admit I did something wrong and own my mistake.
Blaming him or my time of the month, justifying my actions by saying to myself, “Well, if he’d only…”, complaining more…all of these are easy enough to do, but they won’t make anything better, in fact, they’ll make the situation worse. OWN THE MISTAKE. Everyone makes mistakes. If I try to push this mistake onto someone else, it’s not going to improve the situation at all. I need to own up to what I did, first to myself, then to my husband. This means apologizing, genuinely, because I feel remorse for what I said/did.
A large part of this step involves forgiving myself because I deeply value my relationship with my husband and when I realize I’ve done something to hurt him, it hurts me. Sometimes it can be hard to take it easy on myself (any other perfectionists out there?), but I need to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that I don’t have to beat myself up to make it right.
#2 Step to Make Amends: Forgiveness is possible, and likely.
I know what it’s like to be stuck in a hurt cycle, where the people involved go around and around, trying to defend themselves by saying or doing things to make the other person realize how hurt he/she is. It’s as though striking back will give the other person an idea of how you’re hurting, but in reality, it only fosters more selfishness.
When someone hurts me then asks for forgiveness, I have two choices: forgive or don’t. When I hurt someone and hope for his or her forgiveness, I have two choices: apologize or don’t.
In the situation I had with my husband this morning, I had to choose whether I was going to apologize and he had to choose whether he was going to forgive me. Fortunately, we both chose the route that leads to making amends: forgiveness.
In any relationship there will be imperfections. Mistakes will happen, hurts will occur, but they can be overcome through forgiveness. I’m talking about choosing legit, whole-hearted, “I want to let this go completely and start fresh” forgiveness. For me, I find this with the help of Jesus Christ. I seek His strength and support when I ask for forgiveness from the other person and as I strive to forgive myself. I always feel empowered when I rely on His infinitely larger strength and support.
#3 Step to Make Amends: Love conquers all.
Yep, it’s a common cliché, but it’s true. When love is there, when it’s true, it helps to overcome hurt.
There develops true depth in a relationship when, over and over, you choose to forgive the other person*. This happens when a desire for unity trumps desire for justification of a mistake. To me, this is what true love means.
Moving Forward
As I move forward, I need to remember a couple of key things in order to avoid making this mistake again (or at least not for a long, long time because really, I’m not perfect and I will most likely say a lot more things in the future that will hurt my husband, but hopefully with these key ideas, those times will be fewer and further between).
Key Idea #1: Look for the good in him.
Key Idea #2: Communicate.
During our first year of marriage we both realized how dangerous assumptions are. Communication cannot be overstated. Just do it with kindness.
Key Idea #3: Think before I speak.
Put myself in his shoes. If I feel like a victim, I’m more likely to say hurtful things. If I remember to think of how my words may affect him if I say certain words, I will catch the hurtful words before they can go to him.
Key Idea #4: Work out my hurt on paper, instead of sharing it with him.
*These statements are based on the assumption of a healthy relationship. Abuse of any kind should not be ignored. If you feel you in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.
