How to Come to Terms with Something You Know You Should Do, but Don’t Want to Do
The Idea Comes
In 2018 my daughter started Kindergarten at a nearby charter school. It was a great school that taught Spanish, offered a great social experience for her, and I was able to go and help in the classroom once a week. A perfect fit for our family. So why did I have the thought come to me, “I should start homeschooling”? I try to get guidance from God, so I prayed about the thought and again, it came, “I should start homeschooling.”
“Ugh!” I thought. “I don’t want to! I like taking Emily to school, helping her with her homework in the afternoons, and taking care of the boys at home while she’s at school. Plus, that will be so much work! I don’t think I have the patience to do that.” Despite all of my arguments, the feeling stayed the same and the thought wouldn’t go away.
I prayed about homeschooling every now and then, but I avoided talking to my husband about it because I REALLY didn’t want to and I knew that talking about it would make it more real. But after a few months of this relentless thought, I knew I had to talk to Curtis.
Share the Idea, Get Feedback
One day shortly after I’d decided to talk to him, he and I were talking about our family and I told him that I’d had the thought come to me that I should homeschool the kids (we have one girl and three boys, BTW) and asked him what he thought about it. He said, “I absolutely believe that you could do it. I don’t know if it’s what’s best for our family though. Emily’s school is so amazing, if we were to homeschool we’d lose all that the school has to offer. Also, I knew some homeschooled kids when I was growing up and they were pretty socially awkward, I wouldn’t want that for our kids. If you’re feeling strongly about it though, let’s pray about it together and see what we think and feel after that.”
After Curtis and I went through our process of praying, pondering, making a pros and cons list, and talking to some friends who homeschooled, Curtis felt like the decision was supposed to be mine, since it would be altering my life the most. He told me that as long as our kids had opportunities to socialize with other kids, he’d support me in whatever decision I made. If I decided to homeschool, he’d help me in anyway he could.
Acceptance
So finally, I accepted that homeschooling was going to be in my future.
I procrastinated because I was really angry and scared. It felt like God was prompting me to do something I had absolutely no desire to do. I didn’t want to have my kids around me all the time. I WANTED to send them to school so I could have time to myself, or with one or two kids who were too young to go to school yet. And I had so many doubts.
“What if I’m not good enough? What if I can’t teach them everything they need to be successful in life and they end up behind everyone else and I fail them???”
It felt so much better, easier, simpler to continue on the pathway I was already on. So when Emily’s kindergarten year was drawing to a close and it was time to register her for first grade or withdraw her from the school, I ignored the whispers in the back of my mind and got her signed up for the next school year.
“I’m not ready yet. Maybe by the time she’s in second grade I’ll be ready to homeschool her. I’ll learn more about what I’ll need to do while she’s in first grade, and then I’ll be ready to go later. But not yet. I’m not ready yet.”
Another reason I was so hesitant to start homeschooling was that Emily LOVED everything about school. She loved her teachers, the work, the structure, the routines, the activities, the field trips, her friends, EVERYTHING. I was thinking, “Well, she’s coasting along great, making progress, maybe this is the best avenue for her after all.”
Then….welcome COVID-19!
Taking Small Action
You know what it was like. Kids stayed home from school. Adults stayed home from work. Panic erupted as people wondered if the end of the world was coming. We all worried about who would be the next one to get COVID.
As for me, I got to start homeschooling. Fortunately, I got to ease into it because Emily was still enrolled in her school, so I’d help her do her homework, she’d get on a Zoom call once or twice a week, and life carried on. It was like I finally started dipping my toes into the idea waters called: Let’s Homeschool the Kids! I was still super grumpy about the whole thing. I still didn’t want to homeschool my kids. But I still felt like it was the right thing for our family.
So that year, when it was time to register Emily for second grade, I knew the time had come: I needed to dive in and start homeschooling. I told the school what our plans were and withdrew her at the end of first grade.
It was pretty painful for me. I felt the huge weight that comes from being the main person responsible for my children’s education, as well as a huge sense of loss. I’d always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom, making cookies and homemade bread for my kids and their friends to enjoy after school. I was so excited to someday have hours of time to pursue my goals of becoming a writer and mentor. I felt like I was giving that up in lieu of a new path that would absolutely have the potential to create deeper bonds with my children and growth in myself, but I was still sad.
Emily was also devastated. She was so sad that she wouldn’t be going back to school with all of her friends and teachers she adored. That was probably the hardest part…taking her away from an environment she loved. I still feel guilty about that sometimes, but I also feel like it was the best choice for our family. It’s interesting…after walking down this path for awhile, my perspective started to clear up and I began to see the blessings of choosing in to what God wanted me to do, versus what I had planned for myself.
Even after I started legit homeschooling, I wasn’t thrilled about it. Looking back, I was kind of like a pouty kid who didn’t get what she wanted, and sulks for a long time about it, hopeful that things will change.
Clarification
I want to clear something up: I believe that this was my choice and I could have chosen to send my kids to this amazing charter school. I completely believe that public schools and charter schools are a great fit for many families. The ultimate reason for my decision came down to this: I trusted that God gave me this thought because he is all-knowing and has the foresight to see the benefits of homeschool for MY children and my family. I don’t know if anything bad, dangerous, or harmful would have happened to my children if we had continued on the charter school path.
Here’s what I’ve learned through this experience:
- I have grown because I’ve had to humble myself to accept God’s will.
- As I’ve read, researched, studied, prayed, and discussed different ways of raising and schooling children, my personal philosophies have evolved and I find that homeschooling suits the beliefs and opinions I now have.
- It’s okay to struggle with a decision!
A huge theme I hear nowadays is, “I want to do something with my life that makes me happy all the time.” Is it wrong to feel that way? Absolutely not! I want to feel happy and fulfilled everyday! But here’s the thing: if you choose a certain pathway for your life because it makes you happy, you are going to be disappointed because nothing in life is going to be perfect every single day. Even if you have your absolute favorite dream job, you’ll have days you don’t feel like going to work. You’ll have negative interactions with your coworkers or employees. You’ll be longing to go on vacation, have a change, meet new people, etc.
Takeaways
The things that are the most worthwhile and fulfilling in life are those things that take the most effort. We’re about to start our third year of homeschool this year. Emily is starting fourth grade, William starts second grade, and Ryker starts first grade. There are so many days I want to give up and throw in the towel. But there are also so many days I see the progress they’re making and feel like doing a triple cartwheel because I’m so happy! Seriously, the things in life that are the hardest are also the most rewarding. Don’t shy away from something because it seems too difficult because that is where you will find growth. You’ll find more depth in yourself.
If I could go back to 2018 when I first had that thought come to me and give myself some advice, it would be this (if you’re struggling to take action on something that you think or feel you should be doing, follow these bits of advice too):
- Let go of your fear and resentment.
- Trust in God. He knows what he’s doing and he knows what’s best for you. He’ll give you the help you need.
- Be kind to yourself. Just do your best and trust that your kids are awesome enough to make up for your mistakes.
- Find and follow other people who are doing this the way you want to.
- You’ve got the strength and skills to handle the difficulty this path will present. Believe in yourself and stay positive!
– Adrianne Elliott
