Ladies, have you ever been listening to a man or boy in your life and had the experience where he’s opening up to you and sharing some really interesting, heart-felt words when all of a sudden he stops talking, disconnects, and starts doing something else? Well, I think I have an idea of what may have happened.
As women, we like to feel a connection to each other when we’re talking, but in so doing, we tend to interrupt with our own ideas. Some of our conversations might sound something like this:
Me: Yeah! We were just sitting there, when all of a sudden a huge swarm of bees came right at us and we had to book it for the lake and take cover!
Sister: Wow! That sounds so crazy! It reminds me of this one time when I was hiking with my boyfriend and we were running up the trail and we accidentally ran through nine spiderwebs before we could slow down and figure out what was happening!
Mom: Ooh! That reminds me…
Women like to bounce around in conversations…feel like everyone gets a turn…one idea triggers a story someone else wants to share…it’s a back and forth exchange. And as a woman, I enjoy this. I feel a connection to the women I’m talking to when I’m listening to and participating in verbal exchanges like this. A woman usually delves into the heart of what she’s wanting to get to right away because she understands that her time to speak may be interrupted by a new idea from someone else, so she’s got to get her idea out in the open before her turn to share it is up.
Men, on the other hand, like to say everything they have to say without interruption, and then have you respond when they have said all they wanted to say. I read about this idea in a book called “Keys to the Kingdom” by Alison A. Armstrong. A man or boy likes talking to the women in his life, but unless she is trained or instinctively knows how men like to be listened to, she’s probably interrupted him, thinking that she was connecting with him. I’ve checked with Curtis (my husband), my dad, my brothers, and they all agree with this: listen to a man without interrupting him until he is done and he will share a treasure trove of good ideas and thoughts with you. Don’t say anything while he is talking. Don’t jump in with your thoughts when he says something that you’re dying to respond to. Don’t even say things like, “It sounds like you’re saying you want me to…” Simply wait for him to finish. He’ll let you know he’s done by saying something like, “That’s all, I’m done,” or “What do you think?” or simply looking at you like he doesn’t know who you are because you didn’t interrupt him for ten whole minutes.
The first time I tried this on Curtis, was right after I’d read about this idea in the book. I’d been reading while feeding the baby before bed, so as soon as I tucked in my little guy, I decided to give this new way of listening a try. I walked downstairs, sat next to Curtis on the couch, and asked him what he was working on. He was researching something to do with computers or programming, and USUALLY that topic triggers an immediate physical reaction in me…my eyes glaze over, my thoughts turn to my to-do list, and I have a literal painful gut reaction of, “I’m trying to listen, but I know it’s all going over my head anyways, so what’s the point.” BUT – that night – I listened. I made sure my body language showed him I was listening by turning my whole physical presence in his direction: my eyes were focused on his, my shoulders were turned towards him and bent a bit forwards so he could see that I was in the conversation, and my mouth was slightly opened (a closed mouth can indicate that there are words you’re holding back). I nodded as he said things that I understood, but I didn’t say a single word. I was trying so hard to remember key points of what he’d said so that if he asked me any questions I could respond with a somewhat informed response. After three minutes of him talking and me listening this way, he interrupted himself and said, “Okay! Hold on! What’s going on?! Why are you listening to me so well?!” I laughed and explained that the book I was reading said that I should listen this way in order to be a good listener to him and feel more connected to him because he’d be able to share the juicier, more deep down stuff with me if I actually paid attention this way. He looked a bit stunned for a moment, said he totally agreed with the idea, and went back to talking about programming, although there were several more sideways looks after that. And sure enough, when he was finished, he turned to look at me and said, “That’s all. Thanks for listening!”
It’s been several months since that night and I don’t remember the specifics of what he said about programming, but I do know that it was the start of a new habit I’ve tried to develop. It’s really cool how much guys have to say when I don’t interrupt them. And it’s also really interesting to note how the men I’m closest to have noticed a change in the way I listen to them.
It’s worked for me. It can work for you too!
