My Story
Curtis is my best friend. He is everything, my forever, the person I said yes to for eternity. Because he’s the person I’m constantly with throughout my life, I see his strengths, but I see his weaknesses too. There have been times in our relationship where I have seen nothing but his faults. That’s what this post is all about. Do you know what it feels like to only see the things about your spouse that drive you crazy? It feels yucky and miserable and like everything is wrong in the world…and it’s all his/her fault.
“It’s his fault because he didn’t do the dishes for me last night while I was at my sister’s house.”
“It’s his fault because he didn’t put away the laundry after he folded it, but left it on our bed so I had to put it away before I could go to sleep.”
“He needs to change so I can be happy.”
“If he really loved me he would know how much I need a hug right now, but he isn’t giving me a hug, so he must not love me.”
“He is so impatient with the kids…if he were more patient with them life would be better.”
Do you ever have thoughts like this towards your husband or wife? I hope not, but you might. And if you ever have, you’re like me. You’re ready to make a change. That usually means one of two things: you either want to give up or you want to get to a place where you see the good in him again, right?
I grew up in a very loving and enriching home where I always felt loved by my parents and I always knew that they loved each other. I never saw them degrade each other, fight, or yell at each other. They are real people and would disagree, but they were always respectful of each other and always made an effort to be united on the parental front. I share this so you can get an understanding of what I thought marriage and parenting would be like.
As their oldest child, I got a close look at my parent’s marriage, but it was still an outside perspective because I wasn’t in their marriage. When I got married I thought my marriage would be just like my parents, or rather the same as I had viewed their marriage as a child, teenager, and young adult. My expectation was that marriage would be easy, fulfilling, and completely satisfying. I was 21 years old when I married Curtis and I’d only had one other boyfriend besides him. I didn’t have much experience with personal relationships.
What I’ve Learned Since My Wedding Day
What I’ve learned is that marriage is so much deeper than I’d ever realized as a child. You know how when you look at a picture, you’re looking at a captured moment? But you can’t see everything else that was happening in the moment the image was captured?
Here’s a picture of my son on a swing at the park. It’s a great picture: the lighting was just right, his joy and childish happiness is there, but based on the picture you’d never know that one of the busiest streets in town is on the other side of the playground. I’ve realized that marriage is a lot like that. You can focus on one part of marriage that’s awesome and looks so great, and it IS, but there are a lot of other things that are part of the reality (or big picture) of the relationship that need to be on your radar to avoid unnecessary danger or pain. Consider the busy street near the park: whenever I’m at that park I am always focused on my children and where they are because I know that if they stray from the playground there’s a possibility that they could wander towards the street and get hurt. Likewise, in my marriage I need to be aware of what my potential “busy streets” (dangerous thoughts or behaviors) are in order to make sure that I don’t let them harm my relationship with my husband. Here are 3 steps I’ve learned and want to share to help you get back to your ideal state in marriage.
Step 1: Identify Your “Busy Streets”
Here are some potential issues that might arise in your marriage which, if worked through, can improve the way you see your spouse:
- Constant nit-picking or nagging
- Using sarcasm
- Comparing your marriage to past relationships or relationships of friends or family
- Feelings of neglect
- Unhealthy communication
Something I’ve observed in myself over the years is that the way I feel about myself reflects in all of my relationships, but particularly in my marriage. When I’m struggling with low self esteem, when my drive to do anything productive has evaporated, when I am seriously struggling emotionally, I take it out on the people I love most and my irrational internal dialogue says things like, “They should see how I’m feeling and do something to fix it. It’s their responsibility to make me feel better because I do so much for them and I am always there for them, they should be there for me now, but they’re not so I’ll make them pay!” Finding healthy ways to work through these issues has been key for me to find the steadiness in my marriage that is so fulfilling.
Step 2: Choose one or more of the following actions to get back on track
- Look for the good in your husband. There have been times in my marriage where the only good thing I could find in Curtis was that he was breathing. I was glad he was alive. But starting there is the beginning of the humbling process of letting go of my own issues to see what’s good about him. In the past I’ve made the effort of looking for five things he did good in a day, and doing that for a week.
- Don’t nit-pick. Instead, recognize that he probably knows his flaws and faults better than you do and he’s going to make more progress improving if you leave him alone to work it out the way he wants to.
- If he’s done something to seriously offend or hurt you, work out your emotions through journaling, exercise, or counseling. Then, when the negative emotions have been settled and are no longer hurting, talk to him with the intent of trying to work towards a solution/compromise that works for both of you.
- Serve him. If you can’t stand him, be intentional in serving him in some way. Do his laundry for him, make his favorite meal, spend time with him doing the thing he loves and you can’t stand to do, get the oil changed in his car, buy him a new shirt, give him a foot massage, etc. I have found that this is one of the absolute hardest and most rewarding ways of getting back on track with my husband. It’s so hard to resent your husband after you serve him.
- “Choose your love, love your choice.” (Thomas S. Monson) To love someone is a choice. It is a series of actions that demonstrate your dedication to the relationship. Remember that you chose to marry this person. There’s a reason you chose him/her. In the media, there’s a theme about love that says if you fall out of love with your spouse, there’s no way to get back to love and you should try to find love and happiness with someone else. FALSE! If you fall out of love, you do what you can to fall in love with the person again. The person you swooned over at the beginning is still in there, you just need to clean up the messy way you view him/her so you can see the things you fell in love with at the beginning.
Step 3: Pay attention to your behavior to avoid repeating the whole process
This one is a doozy. As humans, we’re creatures of habit and it is natural to repeat our behaviors over and over again. In regards to getting to the point where you’re out of love with your husband again and again, ask yourself if that’s what you really want. If it’s not, and you want to fall in love again and stay there, pay attention and keep track of your “busy streets”. When you notice you’re starting to head in the direction of one of your unhealthy behaviors, stop yourself and do something to help you get back on track again. The more you stop yourself as you’re headed towards a “busy street” or danger zone in your marriage, the less you’ll go that way until you stop the unhealthy behavior altogether.
If you’re reading this and you’re at the point where you’re unhappy and can’t stand anything he does, I want to give you a little shot of hope. It can get better. You have the power and the ability to improve your marriage and have the amazing, loving, fulfilling marriage you’ve always dreamed of having!
*Disclaimer: What I have written here is for people who are in a marriage where both people have an innate, basic respect for their partner. If you are in an abusive marriage, my advice is to seek professional and spiritual help. I am not a professional marriage counselor, what I write are lessons I’ve learned from experience, discussion with others, study, and observation.
