This is the crook of my right arm. Every time I look at it I see my two scars. The one on the left is from a burn I got in a car accident in 2014. My sleeve caught fire and gave me a severe second-degree burn about the size of a baseball card. The one on the right is from donating plasma 2020-2021. Both scars represent intense growth for me.

You can read more details of what I learned from my car accident here, but what I want to share today is this: fear can be overcome.

Left Scar

After my car accident I was so afraid to drive again or even ride in a car. Every time I had to drive I had extreme anxiety. When I was a passenger in a car I would not look at the road or other cars, I would bring a book to read or look at my phone or the other people in the car. My car accident was in February. Ten months later I was the passenger while my sister drove to my [other] grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. The roads were snowy and icy. I kept having flashbacks to the night of the accident, so I kept my eyes down and focused on talking to my sister. I felt so much fear. It was all-encompassing, overwhelming dread of what might happen. My sister, being the wonderful and insightful person she is, didn’t shy away from my fear but helped to guide me through it. She asked me what I was really afraid of. Up until she asked that question I had no idea…”What was I really afraid of?” I hadn’t named the fear, I was feeling it, allowing it to swell and expand through my whole body. As I pondered on her question, I realized that my fear was, if I drove on the highway, I was afraid that I would get into another accident and someone else I loved would die. I was so afraid of reliving my pain that I was nearly paralyzed by fear of what might happen.

Here’s what I did to overcome my fear of driving:

I drove. I drove again and again. I drove on the highway, I drove in town, I drove whenever I had the chance. It took about two years, but eventually I was able to feel relaxed while driving. In the winter, when it’s really icy and slick, I sometimes feel the fear flare up again, but it’s always short-lived because I have shown myself that I can work through my fear and drive with confidence.

You know what? It’s possible that I may someday be in another car accident similar to the one I experienced. BUT, I am not going to let fear of what might happen stop me from doing something that is, to me, a necessity for the life I want to live. Every time I see my scar from that night, I think of what happened, then I think of the strength I discovered inside of myself to overcome my fear.

Right Scar

When I was a little girl, about 8, I vividly remember going to the doctor’s office. My sister who is two years younger than me got a shot and didn’t make a sound or bat an eyelash. My turn came and I probably had to be held down to get my shot…I don’t remember too well, all I remember is the fear of the needle that flooded through me whenever I had to get a shot. Throughout the years I’ve experienced similar moments. One of my best high school friends wanted to donate blood, so I did that a few times, but it was torturous, although rewarding, thinking that I was saving lives. I remember when I got pregnant with my first baby and I discovered that the doctor’s office would need a blood sample…so much fear, anxiety, and stress led up to that appointment. The nurse started to draw close with the needle and I’d freak out and beg her to wait “just a moment, please!” I’d calm my breathing a smidgeon and I’d brace myself, squeezing Curt’s hand so tightly he’d lose circulation. I hated the feeling of something foreign in my skin. It didn’t matter what it was for, I hated needles. They terrified me.

But then I had a massive goal. Curtis and I are going to be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary in June and we had decided two years ago that we would celebrate by travelling to Ireland. My sister-in-law and her family moved to Germany with the Air Force and I was desperate to visit them and experience Europe, but we couldn’t put money towards plane tickets…we were building a house…during COVID season, which meant every spare cent was going towards our new house fund in our budget to make sure we could afford our new house.

How could I earn the money to get us to Germany?

I brainstormed for about a day and decided that plasma was the way to go. It was fast, guaranteed big(gish) money, regular…I was healthy enough…I could do it! But then, NEEDLES! And according to Curtis they were straw-sized needles. How could I ever donate plasma?! How could I even consider it?! …but Europe…Germany…beautiful cathedrals and mountains and delicious food…I could see the beautiful mountain villages in my mind’s eye, in my heart I could feel the call of my European ancestors wanting me to go back to their homeland, to experience the beauty of it all. I could imagine being with my sweet little nieces again…and I started to really consider facing my fear of needles.

I decided to try. I scheduled an appointment before I could chicken out, showed up, had my physical, filled out all the paperwork, and sat in the chair and waited for the big, fat, straw-sized needle to be shoved into my arm. As I reclined in the donation chair I experienced an intense internal battle. Pictures of metal straws clashed with images of my cute nieces and WWII historical sites I’ve always longed to see. The phlebotomist came nearer and nearer…my fear flared up, but was immediately extinguished by this thought, “I want to go to Germany more than I want to be afraid of needles.” I thought of German architecture, history, towns, my family we’d get to see. The needle poke only stung for a moment. The whole process was over quickly enough. I got an hour or so to watch a show or listen to a book.

Donating plasma became my routine. All winter long I would leave the house at 5:40am every single Monday and Wednesday. After two and a half months of donating, I was looking online at plane tickets and I found a great price. I looked up my balance on my plasma card and it was EXACTLY the right amount. I bought the tickets. I felt euphoric. My euphoria came, not from my satisfaction with how much money I had earned, but from knowing that I had worked through one of my biggest fears to obtain something that was bigger than my fear, a dream.

I still don’t like needles, but I can handle them and Curtis doesn’t have to hold my hand every time a needle has to be used on me. I can’t even describe how good it feels to let go of my fear of needles to accomplish a goal that is so important to me.

You can do it too.

If you want something deeply enough, you WILL find a way to make it happen. I encourage you to keep your way moral, legal, and ethical.

As I look at my two scars, I feel the growth that has happened inside of me that has helped me get to where I am…planning a trip to Europe and driving my kids and myself all over.